I only ever asked to live fully....and you have given me that

I woke up today in an apartment with a broken a/c unit. I can say the same about this yesterday, however thankfully (first time you hear me say this) I had to go to work. At least there the weather machine is controlled by a polar bear, usually I wear a jacket and work with it. It's a thousand degrees in here and I know some one turned fall on a couple of weeks ago, I'm just waiting for that wonderfulness to seep through a window around here.

Today I'm going to talk about human expectation, well in this case what is expected of this 26 year old by others surrounding her.
Living in North Carolina was never my plan, like ever in fact if you asked me ten years ago what I was gonna do what I left the house, my answer was always travel the world with work. I wanted to follow my moms footsteps, but I'm not good at chemistry EPA regulation or international Law. My skills are computers, cars, hvac and construction (and physics but I have never used it unless to play sports where on my head I can calculate how to win).
I've tried relentlessly since finishing my schooling to get jobs where I could be a international goddess of computers. Sadly not one option has appeared. They say you can't fail if you try but lately I feel like I've failed so many times that I feel there's no point in continuing.
I was expected to move here with my (at the time husband) and work in a place I've never been. I made it work, but when the expectation became too great and things weren't working I walked away.
I then was expected to be ok with how that worked out, and with a roommate that followed this disaster I was expected to do what ever he wanted, again I walked away.
And so the cycle continued, as time went by I started to realize men expect me to do what they want, not what I want. I am just supposed to do what is asked silently, and no one ever asks "Hey what do you want?"

I recently figured that out... I don't know.

I've been pushed around and expected to do everything for so long that I stopped thinking about me. When I brought this to my mother her response was find a man with money and do what he wanted so I could do what I want.
I don't like that answer, its purposely to me. I am a person not a piece of property or something to own. But as I go on I realize that woman in america are just expected to do what men around tell them, to have no option to move forward. Why? Because every religious book says so and that currently is how society works.

Expectations are a waste of my time, I don't want to do what a man tells me to do. Honestly I hate almost all men, it started when my mom got married to my very very Christian step dad. From the beginning of my time as a person I've been told I will do what "he" (whoever that may be) says. No, screw that I want to do what I want to do.
I want to expect you men to bow to me, to listen to me and to hear me. I'm good at my job I'm great at engineering weird things on the weekends to play with. I like programming and I don't want to do it for someone who's going to pay me pennies for what work I see as worth millions. I want to expect everything from others..... not the other way around.


With this economy (and I'm talking world economy) how are the youngest, the smartest and the women to go forward and break the boundaries of creation in this world? If I can't get a job doing what I had planned, how will those who follow me do so? I feel like we need a golden age, and we have it on you tube with t.v. shows and movies the artist of our world can create, you can even learn almost anything on it.
But what about the rest of us? The technical, the engineers with no backing and the citizens who just don't know what direction to go.
I watch the news way more than I should (at least that's my assumption)and watching America being at war this long, knowing that people are slowly being removed from this planet and not by any choice of their own. I came up with the idea of all wars being turned into video game wars, tournaments essentially where the governments of the currently disputing countries write up an agreement they both must follow so winning team gets X where the loosing team gets Y. I'm not staking this on one game, I'm saying a convention multiple games where all of our citizen can have the pride to fight for their country and have more information on what it is we are doing to these other people with out destroying their homes, and taking their lives. What are we gaining do it the way we do now?

Is it wrong after seeing and knowing all of this for me to expect more from the world?
Or is it my expectations that don't matter in this universe on this plane of existence?

I want to be able to say to the person who will save me from this cycle at the end of my life, "I only ever asked to live fully, and you have given me that."

This seriously is how I feel.....